• Cheap Drama, True Love and You

    Date: 2014.02.14 | Category: Sweet Talk | Response: 0

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    My friend Erin Diedling is a gifted trauma therapist, clairvoyant, and matchmaker and who better to chat with about matters of heart and soul around Valentines Day? In her own words, at the core of everything she does, she connects people to themselves, to their hearts and to their community—the global community.

    I’ve always been networking people and matchmaking—whether it’s with a love, or a job, or internship or volunteering opportunity, It’s naturally something I’ve always done on the planet.

    I noticed that Valentine’s stuff was up before Christmas was even over. On Christmas Day I was in a Walgreen’s and they were already putting up the Valentine’s stuff, and I was like, Are you kidding? I think the important thing is that you always have a relationship with yourself first, so what you can do is give a big smooch to the media pressure and say, I see you, I’ve got my eye on you, I know you expect me to be a consumer because it is consumerism we’re talking about. I know you expect me to buy the roses and the dinner or buy the flowers or whatever and it’s important to acknowledge the pressure there, but you don’t have to respond to it.

    A fun little cognitive thing you can do in response to outside pressure is to feel that pressure and say, I love myself. And just feel it. Because you’re always in relationship with yourself, whether you’re in a partnership or entering into a partnership, or exiting one—even if you’re between partnership—there’s always you.

    If you’re looking for the soulmate, I would start with desire. What is it you want to feel with the soulmate? What is the experience you want to have with the soulmate? How do you see that for yourself? Are there activities? Is there a location? Is there a way of being or a form of communication you want? There might be a laundry list of things. I’d say make the list. Not the list of things, but the list of ways you want to feel. For example, I’d really like it if my partner was spiritual, or If I’m going to partner with someone, they have to believe in energy, or in God, or they have to be positive. They have to have an abundant way of being in the world. Things like that.

    Here’s why desire’s so important: A lot of people who don’t have great examples of positive relationships—or those who’ve been in a whole lot of shitty relationships—they might not know what it is they desire. Who you are, what you desire, and what makes you tick might not have been a priority in your upbringing, and this could be my own experience coloring my worldview, but a lot of times when I’m working with a client whose desires were not honored in the upbringing, they might not know what it is they even want. You could ask them what they want and they just lock up because they have no idea.

    To attract what you want, you might want to know what you want. Give the universe some direction, because the universe would love to deliver it! And—allow for some surprise.

    I had some huge insights around type recently. Having a type isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it can help you work your issues out and learn something about you. I went back home for a visit recently, and there was this guy I not get over for years and years. I was like, ‘How could someone I was so nuts about and so attracted to, who talks a good game—wind up making me so wrong in the end? Like, eight million shades of wrong? How did I miss that? I was home for ten days, by the way—a long friggin time to be living back in your parents’ home, right? I had a lot of time with my mom.

    You know how little kids are so in love with their parents? Well, I thought my mom was perfect—the way she brushed her teeth was the coolest thing, and her great shape in a swimsuit was like a celebrity, her mini cheesecakes were perfection! But she didn’t thinks so, so I was wrong even back then. I wanted to wear summer clothes in the winter and it was wrong, and I wanted to wear things that didn’t match, and that was wrong, and these were things that really mattered to my mom, and during my visit I thought, Oh. This guy I’m having such a hard time getting over is my mom. Once I finally connected the dots, all of the attraction just fell away. I was so chemically, crazily not attracted to a man who ultimately made me wrong and hated me for loving him—which is probably the story of most of my past relationships.

    What you’re looking for, you may or may not get it from that person. You have to give it to yourself. In the end, I had to know that I was good enough as I was. I had to know that whoever he left me for was just different; not better, and that my self-esteem wasn’t dependent on him. The other thing is, the issues can be bigger than you. Sometimes, it’s a matter of finding some trait, some pattern, some dynamic, that is so core, you’re unconscious to it. Whatever the dynamic is, just remember it may be bigger than you. And if it’s that much trauma/drama, then it’s probably not the one for you.

    There’s drama of true love, and then there’s cheap drama. Cheap drama is drama of the ego and of chemistry. It could be a match where you get all of those great things you want and all of those negative things that trigger those places where you didn’t have power in your formative years. You’ll find an intense chemistry with those matches.

    What I’m beginning to realize is that kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, attentiveness—those are hot, whereas the cheaper drama is, He ignores me, and I get locked on that, He ignores me and I’m addicted to that, or He calls when he feels like it, which might be every two months or every two weeks, but I’m right there when he does. That’s cheap drama. I mean, there’s information there, there’s a dynamic, but kindness and attentiveness and having chemistry with that? The kind of intimacy that can come from that: Whoa!

    When you’re truly who you are, you can’t help but attract people to you. What is it that makes your heart sing? What did you want to do when you were ten, and is that still true today? What if education, time, or money were no object—What would you be doing with your life? There’s real relationship information in those questions. Once you ask, you’ll start hearing the dreams again. I’m a contractor, but I really wanted to be a chef, or I’m an accountant but I really want to be a writer. I’m not saying quit your job tomorrow, but it’s about getting people more in touch with their guidance. People like themselves even more when they do this. And when you like yourself, you attract more people.

    Here’s a practice to anchor you into a new way of being in relationships. It’s taken from a bunch different places—including my friend Al Diaz. Look in the mirror in the morning when you wake up. Say something along the lines of, I am love, I am loved, I am cherished, and I am attracting a loving partner. My loving partner is on his or her way. You’re looking yourself in the mirror, doing this practice for thirty days, and it will feel funky, and it will feel silly, right up to the point where you’ve created a whole new way of being. Do that when you wake up in the morning, and before you go to bed at night, looking yourself in the eye as you do it. This work shifts your vibration and your perspective. And the idea of it will eventually match your reality.

    To learn more about Erin Diedling, visit her online here.

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